Switzerland Just Said That Coffee Isn’t An Essential — People Are Pissed

In what may be the most horrific statement of all time, Switzerland announced that coffee is not essential. In fact, officials announced that they plan to remove coffee from their emergency stockpile. Can we get a collective excuuuuuse me?

Switzerland’s national food stockpile was created between the first and second World Wars and exists to aid the country in case of an emergency. Of course, everyone always makes jokes about Switzerland being just about the last country to get into a major war. But for some reason, Switzerland decided that coffee didn’t make the cut — and so it’s been removed from their stockpile.

The country’s Federal Council explains why they decided right now would be the time to insult the rest of the world with their blasphemous views on coffee:

“In April 2019, the Federal Council opened the consultation on amending the Ordinance on the Compulsory Storage of Foodstuffs and Animal Feed. It is intended to cancel the storage obligation for coffee. In addition, the compulsory storage of rice is reconciled with international commercial law.”

They went on to say that coffee actually provides nothing for society:

“That is, coffee contains almost no calories and therefore does not make any contribution to food security from a nutritional point of view.”

Look, we get it, Switzerland — and not that we can speak for your country — but more than actual nutrition or necessary calories, coffee provides something magical, something even better.

It proves us with the ability to wake up in the morning, and the ability to not fly off the handle at people who talk to you before 9 a.m. It’s just that simple, guys.

The good news is that this is just a proposal, so it may not be confirmed.

According to USA Today, as long as the country doesn’t flip out — cited as “survives a period of public comment” — the stockpiling of coffee will end for good in 2022.

As it stands now, Swiss law requires that coffee importers and roasters stockpile their raw beans, specifically for the reserves.

There are 15 companies that take part in the stockpiling, totaling about 15,300 tons — TONS — of coffee beans.

To put that in perspective, one ton is 2,000 pounds. Just think about that. You probably have a one-pound bag of coffee beans in your cabinet right now.

Now, imagine having 2,000 pounds of coffee beans, or 306,00,000 pounds of coffee beans (which is what 15,300 tons equals) in your cabinet. Yeah, that’s a lot.

The thing is, 15,300 TONS of coffee beans would only get Switzerland through three months of coffee drinking. Either the Swiss drink a lot of coffee really quickly, or we don’t understand just how many coffee beans it takes to keep a country awake and happy.

Would a coffee ration mean everyone gets a tiny cup of coffee every morning? How depressing (although the thought of war is far worse, of course).

What about us, you ask? The United States also stockpiles food, of course — like cheese. Yes, what a relief.

In fact, we have about 900,000 cubic yards of cheese, in fact, which The Guardian calls a “big cheese mountain.” We also stockpile millions of pounds of meat, butter, frozen fruit, and frozen poultry.

But why is there so much cheese and meat? Explains USA Today, “Two years ago, high prices for milk, pork, poultry, and eggs encouraged farmers to expand livestock operations.”

The thing is, food stockpiling is a scary thought.

Our country would have to face an extreme crisis for us to begin digging into our food reserves, so let’s hope that never happens.

In the meantime, let’s enjoy our coffee and hope we never have to end up like Switzerland…

…and that the Swiss people will never have to go without their coffee, either.