Why I Think Flavored Oreo Cookies Should Really Just Disappear

There are a crazy amount of desserts to choose from when a girl has a sweet tooth. In fact, it’s incredibly challenging to choose between all the cake, candy, and donut options out there. Luckily, you can’t really go wrong no matter what you pick. In times of doubt, though, most people gravitate towards their childhood favorites; they know those staples live up to the hype.

Oreo cookies, especially, make the perfect treat.

Two luxurious wafers surround the creamy, vanilla filling; the formula is iconic.

It’s no wonder Oreo cookies are known as America’s favorite.

Seriously, the classic sandwich cookie could be BAE.

Flavored Oreo cookies, on the other hand, are truly disturbing.

They’re misleading and unnecessary. Who came up with the idea for them anyway?

The treachery fully hit me on one day, in particular.

I was just minding my own business, wrapping up an emergency candle run at Target.

Accidentally on purpose, I made a detour to the cookie aisle (because, you know, cookies).

And immediately, my stomach dropped. I couldn’t believe my eyes.

Flavored Oreo cookies of all varieties flooded my peripheral vision.

There were enough to satisfy every weird craving I never knew I had, but many of the flavors didn’t even make sense or seem good.

Certainly, I was aware of some special seasonal shapes and colors.

I’m quite familiar with the Orange Jack’o’Lantern Oreo (it’s simply delightful) and some other wacky, limited edition flavors. But I didn’t know how extensive the collection truly was.

These flavored Oreo cookies weren’t part of a comforting holiday tradition; they weren’t an attempt at irony.

They were utterly chaotic.

So, I made a sane decision.

This is a message to @Oreo to just stick to what u know bc you’re reaching with these weird ass flavors thanks

— alex (@alexandralynnn_) June 3, 2018

I quickly paid for a pack of regular, double-stuffed sandwich cookies and one large, rose-scented candle. Then, I ran for safety and a glass of 2%.

I love Oreos as much as the next person, but the second you start messing with the perfect, original filling, you totally lose me.

Get it together, Nabisco. Why are you engineering monstrosities like Fruit Punch Oreo cookies?

You’re letting your fans down.

No one wants to dunk a Fruit Punch cookie into a glass of milk.

Actually, I’m quite certain that we’re not supposed to eat Fruit Punch cookies at all.

I see a lot of my friends posting photos of the weird Oreo flavors. And without fail, talking about how gross they are.

Have any of them been good? Why do you folks keep buying them? Why do you suffer so?

— Jody Houser ✒️🗯️🎲 (@Jody_Houser) June 7, 2018

It might seem easy to just not buy the Fruit Punch flavor.

But here’s the thing — that’s way easier said than done.

In fact, remember when I said I only purchased a pack of double-stuffed and one overpriced candle?

I lied.

I actually bought two overpriced candles and a pack of super weird Oreo cookies.

And, yes, I was INCREDIBLY disappointed in myself. I’m sure you think I’m weak, but let me ask you this.

How are you supposed to resist buying a flavored Oreo to see if it tastes as weird as you think it will?

Indeed, this is more than just a simple matter about cookies.

We are dealing with morals and ethics.

Cookie ethics. Yes, this is cookie ethics.

Nabisco knows we can’t resist their marketing strategies.

If they promote a new flavor, the cookie monster in all of us gets intrigued. How do I know this?

Well, this incident wasn’t even a first-time offense.

I once tried a limited edition Swedish Fish Oreo. By tried, I mean someone shoved a box in my face, and I nearly passed out from the chemical smell and a huge wave of disappointment. They ruined Swedish Fish, one of my favorite candies.

I’m sure you experienced a moment of weakness, too.

But if you haven’t tried a flavored Oreo yet, you will soon. Moreover, I’m not the only one disturbed by this influx of Oreo madness. The internet is flooded with hilarious flavored Oreo memes that poke fun at the limited edition treats.

Check out this one:

Or this:

Or even this gem:

I mean, yeah, these flavors are wacky, but they’re not that far off.

It’s really hard to tell if these iterations are fake or real.

And ask yourself, if these flavors existed, would you try them?

You’d probably want to taste the Tide Pod and Mac and Cheese cookie flavors.

Surely, they’d be strange, but the curiosity would get you in the end.

As humans, we can’t be trusted to make practical decisions about disgusting food or disgusting Oreo flavors.

So, I’m begging Nabisco to bring it back to basics.

We miss the days when the mega-stuffed cookies were the coolest Oreo edition and the Oreo Thins didn’t seem like ironic options on a weight loss plan.

If the brand can’t keep it that simple, can they at least get rid of flavors like Fruit Punch?

Oreo needs to stop making all these weird random flavors and bring back cakesters 😛

— martin luther vandross (@stilIblooming) May 17, 2016

Nabisco, please rely on your cookie’s insane deliciousness instead of these wacky fleeting flavors.

Your chocolate wafer is already America’s Favorite Cookie!

There is no need for all the extra nonsense.

We love you the way you were.

And that’s just how the cookie crumbles.