Eggs are incredible in many forms. Scrambled, hard-boiled, or even over easy — they all have their place in the world. That said, this strange cylinder-shaped egg has taken things too far.
You read that right. A writer for Munchies stumbled across a new contraption that’ll take a perfectly good egg and turn it into a log. It’s called Egg-On-A-Stick, and it’s supposedly perfect for a portable breakfast. Know what else is a good portable breakfast? A bagel. Or a muffin. Or an AM Hot Pocket. Or a hash brown from McDonald’s. I could keep going, but just wanted to make sure you all know that the “portable breakfast” problem has already been solved.
Here’s the good news. It’s not available everywhere and has actually been around for some time. Amazon carries the exact model, called the Rollie, for about $30 — but it has lukewarm reviews. AliExpress seems to carry a similar contraption for over $60, which is a tough ask, as frying pans exist and have already proven not to make us ill.
Now, you may have a few thoughts in mind when you hear “Egg-On-A-Stick.” It’s not like a stick of hard-boiled eggs, which would almost be acceptable. Instead, it’s a stick made out of an egg.
Watch and be horrified.
I scream— Stangle’s Kid (@lisasaurstomp) January 21, 2019
We all scream
For eternity into the void because god is dead pic.twitter.com/DmNt3l1GRw
Watching the egg pop up is almost torture. Also, the infomercial itself seems a little vague. Luckily, others agree.
The worst part, hands down, is seeing the skin of the egg. It’s just too much.
That part makes me gag EVERY TIME— Stangle’s Kid (@lisasaurstomp) January 21, 2019
Also, yes — eggs are definitely healthy. They contain a lot of protein, and an egg white omelet is a wonderful way to start the morning. But anything coming out of this contraption likely isn’t healthy.
HEALTHY EATING— Ant Murdering She Devil (@ShelleyElwood) January 21, 2019
Remember the part that says you can add “other ingredients of your choice” after the egg? What if that was a ton of bacon or a pound of cheese? All good foods, without a doubt, but perhaps not the healthiest choice.
Healthy because you’re so horrified after watching this you never want to eat again— Stangle’s Kid (@lisasaurstomp) January 21, 2019
Seriously, though — why does it have to be a cylinder and come out of a machine? Why can’t all of the “Egg-On-A-Stick” enthusiasts just make eggs like this at home?
Tasty, portable, and perfect if you want to live life like you’re always at the State Fair. (And the best part is that it’s actually shaped like an egg! Nobody will have to question what you’re eating.)
But unfortunately, some people just had to see what this “healthy” breakfast alternative was all about. There’s proof of “Egg-On-A-Stick” purchases all over Instagram. Here’s what it looks like in-person:
Okay, so that doesn’t look all that terrible. But then you might want to see it pop out of its machine in real time. It’s almost even more unsettling than it is in the commercial.
The caption on this photo will tell you everything you need to know. Even those who bought it had their doubts.
But there’s something about Egg-On-A-Stick that just seems really unsatisfying. And no, it’s not the way it’s made or the fact that it takes raw material and heats it up to a level that (maybe?) won’t cause you abdominal distress. It’s the fact that it just doesn’t look very satisfying.
Hear me out. Would you rather eat this?
Or, would you like to get up, get ready for your day, and be greeted by something smaller? Something that popped out of a contraption at a pace that made you oddly uncomfortable. Say, something that looked like this.
I can maybe get behind the idea of it. Someone thought it’d be great to have a way to make eggs you could eat really quickly. But, they may have forgotten that while not portable, scrambled eggs can be made in the microwave. (It’s not as good, but it’s something.)
If anything, at least the Rollie question and answer section on Amazon is gloriously hilarious. Not only do people doubt this thing is legit, but they don’t believe it’ll last long enough to be worth the purchase.
And as expected, there’s something about this “Portable Egg for One” idea that makes people a little hesitant. How would it seem to have this openly displayed in a kitchen? Would it make people upset?
Whether or not you order a Rollie is up to you. But just remember — eggs are wonderful. So, you might not want to ruin your personal relationship with them.