20 Reasons Why Chocolate Is Garbage And A Plague Upon This Earth

Yes, we said it: Chocolate is bad. It’s just downright awful! It turns our children into hyperactive monsters and leads to unrelenting cravings post-breakups, during our periods, or worse — at random times throughout the day. We think it’s easy to have just one single square of that rich, dark, tempting chocolate bar. But soon enough, the entire thing has vanished and we’re left hunting for more. Dare we say that chocolate may just be the bane of our existence? Yes, we dare! In fact, we’ll say it loud and proud.

If you need convincing that chocolate is as dreadful as we believe it to be, we’ve provided you with 20 reasons why chocolate should be outlawed. We’re baffled that so many of you enjoy eating it and we’re actually unsure if we can remain friends because of that. Our opinions are too strong to be challenged and we can’t bear to hear your defense of the muddy, sugary-sweet treat.

And if you’re already on our side of this debate, please shield your eyes from the chocolate images below. They may be too disgusting for you to handle.

(Please note that this entire list is purely ironic. We’re actually gorging on some delicious chocolate sandwich cookies as we write.) But if you need some sarcasm about chocolate in your life, look no further.

1. Chocolate is garbage. Just look at this trash heap.

2. It’s actually intensely vile when you think about it.

3. Come on, you can’t honestly think pure happiness, joy, and love lies beneath that murky surface.

4. All it really is is sugar and cacao, which is just a bird call, in our opinion.

5. Cacao! CACAO!

6. Word on the street is that it gives you pimples. Oh, that’s a myth? Hmm…show us the receipts.

7. Plus, chocolate is invasive. There’s chocolate coffee, chocolate milk, chocolate beer. Count us all the way out.

8. It’s dangerous. Lest we forget, Augustus Gloop almost drowned in a chocolate river, people.

9. Yet we make children’s birthday cakes to commemorate the near tragedy.

10. No, chocolate does not make a plain vanilla cake taste so much richer, flavorful, and heartier.

11. And no, hot cocoa doesn’t warm our souls on a crisp autumn day. We’ll take regular cold milk, thank you.

12. A plain old chocolate bar? How boring.

13. Don’t even get us started on white chocolate. What is it even trying to do — trick us into believing it’s not chocolate? Nice try.

14. Red velvet already tried that on us and it didn’t work!

15. We’re honestly just trying to look our for our lactose-intolerant friends. We’re being nice.

16. They can’t indulge in chocolate like the rest of you heathens.

17. Think about that the next time you chow down on a…delectable mocha ice cream cone, or a dreamy slice of chocolate lava cake…or a divine piece of…

18. You’re distracting us from our argument. Stop that at once!

19. No, you’re missing the point —

20. Um, you know what? We have to go. All of the sudden we’re really hungry (for no reason), so we’ll have to pick this conversation up later. Okay? See you later.

Fine. We like chocolate. So what?