Don’t Put Blue Cheese Anywhere Near My Salad Or Steak, Or I Might Burn This Place To The Ground

Dear blue cheese, I hate you. I think you’re pungent and aggressive in a way that’s not okay for cheese to be pungent and aggressive. And I *love* cheese. I love cheese on bread, apple pies (it’s a thing, I swear), pasta, crackers, salad, various meats, and obviously cheese on its own. I eat cheese even though I’m pretty sure I’m lactose intolerant and feel sick after (the things you do for love, amiright?). But blue cheese does not get my affection. Blue cheese (and even blue cheese in dressing form) is gross, and if a single crumble touches taints my food, I will scream.

Let’s talk about the various ways blue cheese is the most disgusting cheese, shall we? I know there are many of you who might disagree with me. “Blue cheese is for a sophisticated palate,” you may say. Let me tell you: I am a sophisticated woman who contains multitudes (and likes many controversial foods). I love caviar, sardines, mussels, liver pâté, and beef tongue. I’ve eaten snails before, and those are bugs, practically. (I just googled it, and snails are technically in the gastropod family, like a mollusk — but eating a gastropod doesn’t sound any more appealing than a bug.) I accidentally ate a cricket at work for a video project, and I only felt mildly disturbed. I’m sure I’ve swallowed spiders in my sleep, like everyone says that you do (which is a myth, by the way).

You may also say “But you must not have tried the right kind of blue cheese.” Friends, blue cheese is blue cheese, no matter the price tag. Want to know why I think it’s gross?

Blue cheese is moldy. It tastes like mold. There is no way around this.

It tastes like how I imagine that moldy corner of your shower or window sill tastes if you were to lick it, and I am so sorry for that visual, but I need you to get inside my head for a second.

And the flavor is SO in your face!

If blue cheese was just a TINY bit moldy, I would probably look past that.

In fact, it overpowers anything it touches.

Forget eating anything that has been contaminated with blue cheese. Your entire meal will taste like blue cheese, even if you pick the pieces off. Why would you want that? The awesome thing about cheese is that it never steals the show — it only complements a meal (think cheeseburgers, sandwiches, parmesan on your pasta, shredded cheddar on your taco, etc.).

So let’s be clear:

I hate blue cheese. I don’t want it in my burger.

Keep it away from my steak.

And definitely don’t sprinkle it in on my salad. Not my wedge salad. Not my Cobb salad. No salads. It’s enough of a struggle to make myself eat salad, I don’t need mold on it, ya know?

I’m not the only one who *can’t even* with blue cheese.

Like this person who makes a valid point about people who like blue cheese. You just can’t trust them!

I mean, straight to the point:

Why can’t we just cancel blue cheese and settle with ranch?

Again, back to my mold argument:

Harsh, but it needs to be said.

Anyway. Herbed goat cheese or a luxe, creamy brie? Now that’s a different story.