Candy Corn Is A Sugary Traffic Cone And No One Should Touch It
Everyone has an opinion on what the best candy is — some think Tootsie Rolls top the list (wrong), while others think Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are the real winners (right). But I will never, ever understand why someone would voluntarily eat, let alone buy, candy corn. This isn’t really a hot take, since I know plenty of people who dislike the candy, but there’s an entire spooky season and national holiday surrounding it. What gives?
Halloween comes around and big bags of candy corn hit the shelves. Some houses hand out individual packs of them. Grandmothers everywhere probably have a bowl of the stuff in their living room for guests. Every October 30th is National Candy Corn Day, which makes no sense when there are yummier, more creative candies out there without their own holiday. Where’s National Sour Patch Watermelon Day? National Smarties Day? We all deserve better.
I’m glad that I really only have to express my disgust at these candies once a year, but I wish I didn’t have to deal with them at all.
Aside from sugar, coloring, and gelatin, candy corn is made with something called confectioner’s glaze, which comes from bug secretions. Bug. Secretions.
Even if I didn’t think about the ingredients, that dried, chewy, frosting-flavored earwax is not for me.
As if the original flavor isn’t bad enough, popular candy brands and the household candy corn manufacturer, Brach’s, have created new kinds of candy corn that are just as gross. Brach’s maple, apple pie, and s’mores candy corn exist because nothing is sacred. Sour Patch candy corn is just a sour, fruity version, and M&M’s offers white chocolate candy corn-colored M&M’s, which just combines the worst chocolate with the worst candy.
Then, there are those monstrous pumpkin-shaped candy corns, which are twice as nasty as the regular ones.
I will say that the pumpkin shape is much more appealing than, say, a sugary traffic cone — which we now know is meant to look like a corn cob when stacked, thanks to the internet.
Candy corn is actually pretty divisive. On candystore.com, a list of each state’s favorite candy was compiled using the last 11 years of candy sales per region. And, somehow, candy corn is the sixth favorite, ahead of Hershey’s and Jolly Ranchers. I’m just shocked that, for over a decade in some states, people consistently bought candy corn. Alabama, Iowa, Indiana, Michigan, New Mexico, Nevada, and Rhode Island are officially untrustworthy states to me. Alabama literally bought over 62,000 pounds of candy corn in 11 years, but why? There is no good reason for this.
What’s worse is that people have been buying DiGiorno pizzas, pouring candy corn on it, and baking it.
I thought it was just a harmless meme, but it turns out that people are actually eating it because everyone’s standards have clearly dropped. I don’t even really like pizza (which is another story), but even I still think that this is straight-up disrespectful to pizza.
People will also buy this candy to hand out to trick-or-treating children, which is most definitely a trick.
I would rather get only small Halloween-themed bags of pretzels than get any candy corn at all. Even when it’s time to trade candies at the end of the night, no one ever wants to trade anything for candy corn, and I don’t blame them. This was back when I wasn’t old enough to buy my own candy for Halloween, but now that I know that so many people will also buy candy corn for eating on their own, I don’t know who to trust anymore.
Of course, if you like candy corn, good for you. You’re brave, but please keep it to yourself. And don’t forget that you could be doing better.