When you’re in a relationship, especially a new one, you have to figure out where (and when and how) you fit into each other’s lives. It can be tricky and awkward at first — but inevitably, you fall into a place of comfort and understanding.
With some work, you can keep your relationship healthy and fresh. One of those coupley things? You start sharing one another’s stuff — everything from your toothpaste to your car. And your food.
So what happens when you eat your partner’s last banana? Are you obligated to replace it? What happens when you’re fresh into a new relationship and you’re eating their stock of food every single day? Do you split the bill for groceries?
Do you — gasp! — ask them to stop eating your food? Do you ask them to bring their own? This is the international waters of relationships, folks. Out here, there are no hard and fast rules. No way to know if you’re being a jerk or a totally reasonable person…unless you ask Reddit, of course. Reddit will tell you if you’re being a huge jerk or not.
So when a guy posted this question — “If I tell my girlfriend she needs to bring her own food to my house and pay for the food she has eaten?” — to Reddit, the comments were pretty, er, telling.
Let’s start with his well-intentioned (we hope, at least) question:
One Reddit commenter says he loves his girlfriend but he’s sick of her eating his food when she stays over.
Apparently, “a handful of granola, a bowl of yogurt, and a banana every day” adds up. Huh.
“We have been dating for a while now and she’s always been courteous in asking to eat or use my stuff.”
“She doesn’t eat much so I always gave her the okay. After she had spent a week at my place, I told her she doesn’t have to ask me to eat my food on day three since she would always ask before she ate.”
“I didn’t take into account that a handful of granola, a bowl of yogurt, and a banana every day would stack up after a while.”
We’re sorry…. but what types of bananas and granola is the OP buying? Unless his girlfriend is eating three dozen bananas a day and boxes upon boxes of granola… we don’t get it.
He really doesn’t want her to feel unwelcome, but he wants her to start buying her own groceries — which she can keep at his place.
Except that she’s also supporting him in so many other ways. Like buying him clothes and keeping his weed supply full.
And so the story changes…
“I feel bad for wanting her to start buying her own groceries to keep at my place since she consistently takes me out for food, buys me clothes, contributes to groceries when we cook, and keeps my weed supply full.”
Even with these gifts, he can’t handle the financial burden.
“I can’t comfortably afford to be feeding one and a half me’s so often though since she’s here at minimum two days a week.”
He says it’s worth noting that she makes more money than he does, which figures into the situation…
But she also feels he doesn’t take her out enough.
“She has brought up in the past the fact that she feels I don’t take her out enough but we have a quiet understanding that she makes more than me since she works five to six days a week and I work three (not by my choice).”
“I feel like she contributes a lot monetarily to the relationship.”
“And in terms makes her feel like she contributes more emotionally in the relationship because she’s always making sure I’m taken care of and comfortable.”
What do you think? Is he being unfair or cheap — or is he bringing up a great question?
Let’s see what Reddit had to say–it’s a lot. And trust us when we say the reactions to this boy’s question run the gamut.
One person said that he needed to step up monetarily, period.
“It sounds like she’s giving far more than she’s taking. If you want her to buy her own food to keep at your house, then you should pay 50% of the time when you guys go out, buy all your own clothes, and pay for the weed you smoke.”
Whelp!
You couldn’t let her eat your granola when she buys you clothing?!
That’s just rude. The user said that many couples do split food and bills — totally reasonable — but the fact she was paying for him in so many other ways changed the situation.
“She treated you so well”
“And it sounds like you didn’t have an issue with her paying for all that, and you couldn’t give her granola and yogurt? Which have nominal costs compared to what she pays for you.”
Things are not looking good for the OP.
Then someone jumped in and said she didn’t HAVE to be buying him all that stuff.
And then offered some ideas on how to spend less money.
“It’s true that she contributes more than she takes,” they started.
“But the things she contributes are things that are nice — but not required. IF he can’t afford to pay his bills and keep food on the table in the current situation, eliminating that expense and giving up smoking and going out and starting to pay for (possibly a smaller number of) clothes himself might be the only option for making the finances work.”
This is a good point.
We wonder why this situation started in the first place. Did the girlfriend volunteer to buy the OP the clothes and cannabis? Or did he ask her? So many factors…
Other people chimed in with more finance insights.
This sounds complicated, but if it works, it works. The point is: Couples need to communicate about money.
“My girlfriend makes more than me and we separate the rent accordingly”
“We calculate the ratio with salary per hour, not per week or month. If she decides to do more work to get more money she shouldn’t have to pay more as a result.”
And yet again people were questioning why yogurt and granola were breaking the bank.
Even though we know how hard it is to make a liveable wage these days, this comment did resonate with us.
“Can’t stretch your granola on only working 3 days a week?” one commenter asked.
“Get a 2nd job or drive Uber or do online transcription or 1 of 100 other things.”
“Not to sound entitled, but if your budget is so tight that you cannot afford to feed your girlfriend one of the cheapest food items twice a week, then you need to figure out where you’re wasting your money or how to make more.”
Called. Out.
People kept getting really stuck on the weed thing.
(And rightfully so, we think).
“If you want her to start paying you for yogurt,start paying for clothes and weed. See how much more you can afford with the new setup and realize how good you have it now.”
Another commenter brought up the idea of “keeping scores” in relationships–and how dangerous it is.
“I had a relationship like this once. While we where together he got laid off for 6 months and I took over all the bills because for whatever reason he didn’t qualify for unemployment.
“I busted my ass those 6 months and paid for everything when we went out”
“[I took care of] the household bills (we were living together), presents for him and his family for Christmas (I got nothing for Christmas) — everything”
“And I sucked it up because that’s what you do in a relationship.”
“It’s a give and take. Sometimes you are flush and can help your partner.” This doesn’t seem like rocket science, but apparently this never crossed the OP’s mind.
“Sometimes they are flush and they help you,” they continued.
“In good relationships, it all evens itself out and you don’t keep score. When someone starts keeping score then they’re the [jerk] and deserve to be single.”
Then someone busted out some deeper wisdom.
Yes, it’s not the most fun, but a huge part of successful relationships is having those difficult conversations.
“The problem, in this case, was that he doesn’t have a ton of money, not that she’s eating his food sometimes.”
“Don’t skirt around a problem by avoiding the core issue altogether and saying, ‘stop eating my yogurt.’ You sit her down and have a real conversation about how much money you make, that you’re glad to spend whatever you can on the relationship.
“But a few things might have to change for you to stay financially stable.”
The sage commenter suggests that maybe the OP should work, you know, more than three days a week before he starts suggesting his girlfriend buy her own food. Unless he had a restrictive reason for not working as much (which he didn’t seem to mention), we don’t understand the issue.
“Maybe also throw in how gracious you are that she is so giving in the relationship already.”
“If you are open and honest in a relationship, you and your partner are much more easily able to handle issues that come up.”
We appreciate that instead of harping on how jerky the guy was, they were providing real insight.
“I think it’s wise in a relationship with a lot of crossovers (in terms of who pays for what) to be a little more thoughtful and conservative when bringing up these things. I spend most nights my boyfriend’s apartment and use his utilities, but I don’t pay his rent or utilities.
“I pay for my own apartment and utilities.”
“Should he start charging me for that even though it’s a mutual decision that we want to be together?” Hmmm, do you think the original poster is feeling embarrassed at this point?
In a relationship someone’s always paying for something…
…and it gets to messy to count every last dollar. One reader offers her ideas: “We’ll go grocery shopping and we’ll split it, or he’ll get or I’ll get it. Sometimes we go out to dinner and often split but once in a while one of us will get it. Sometimes I’ll buy us both the tickets for a show.
“We’re usually in his car and he’ll pay for gas.”
What I’m saying is that there is such a clusterf*ck of ‘paying for things’ that can happen in a relationship…and it can be better to not obsess over one object that you always pay for that the other person doesn’t pay.”
While some people straight-up called this guy out for being a jerk…
….others took a more diplomatic approach: “If you wanted to add up/keep track of and separate your finances so everything is equal in the end, you can do so and have a mature conversation about it.”
“I do this with my BF of many years, it works for us.”
“[All we do is] keep track of things like groceries, rent, etc and split everything or if there’s something we’re only making for ourselves, we just buy it ourselves.”
“If you would have approached your [girlfriend] like an adult…”
“It could have been a totally chill convo about trying something new so that things would be fair on all fronts.”
Then there was this gem: “Become the kind of person worthy of a healthy, meaningful, and equal human relationship.”
That is wisdom we can all use. What’s the point of relationships if we stop learning and growing, anyway?
“Make the change in your life so that you can become the kind of person worthy of a healthy, meaningful, and equal human relationship.”
“You drove a loved one away because they weren’t providing you more than 200% of what you were giving in the relationship. Your ideal was inequity with you getting the best of your partner.”
The Girlfriend saw the post.
And she was not happy about it. The original poster updated the thread, and guess what happened?
He got dumped.
“Edit: wow. I think making this post was one of the single worst decisions of my life. My GF uses Reddit and by sheer coincidence found this post, thought “haha this reminds me of me and JoyceManner!” saw my username, made the connection and broke up with me.”
“All within 20 minutes of making this post!”
“She thought there were underlying issues in our relationship and me being a cheap [jerk] was the last straw that broke the camel’s back…..Tl;dr: I am the [jerk].”
One commenter, after the edit regarding his breakup was announced, felt bad for the girlfriend.
And a lot of people agreed. “I can’t help for feeling bad for your now-ex. Imagine doing all of this for someone without asking for anything in return, except for a couple of bananas and some granola.
“I hope she knows that she was amazing and deserves much better than an ungrateful leech.”
Another person asked the Reddit poster what the heck he was even thinking by posting the question.
Yeah, what was he thinking?
“YTA. facepalms Like did you even re-read anything you wrote before you you posted this?? I’m not surprised she broke it off. Because you’re one of the most selfish, careless people ever to have lost someone as great as her over food.”
“So, good luck with buying your own things from now on.”
“She’s going to spoil someone else who’s going spoil her back just as more than you’ve ever had.”
Yikes.
Someone offered real condolences, though.
They thought her breaking up with him was “a bit harsh.”
“Honestly, I think breaking things off with you was a bit harsh on her part.”
“You had the foresight to realize ‘wait, maybe I should get some outside perspective on this’ before bringing it up with her. I think you could’ve learned your lesson and matured from this without her leaving, but that’s her choice.”
But then some people started questioning the validity of the post altogether.
Fake news? “For real…. This has got to be fake. If your girlfriend broke up with you ‘who you love so much’, why would you immediately jump on Reddit to edit a post?”
It does seem a little too quick…
While we don’t understand why anyone would go online and post a super long fake story, we can see why this seems totally unreal. Yogurt and granola?! Come on.
The Original Poster insisted it was real.
He acknowledged the fact that it did seem suspicious, but he swore it was real.
“To answer some repeated questions: I made this as a throwaway account.”
“The account name is based off a pretty popular band (Joyce Manor) I like so, I didn’t think she would realize it was me. I’m 26 and she’s 20.” Wait…
This woman is younger than the poster by SIX YEARS and she was still paying for all that?
We honestly don’t know how this guy did not see a problem with any of his behavior.
Regardless of whether the story was a fake-out or not, the Reddit thread certainly LIT UP.
And that’s because people have strong beliefs about how to behave in a relationship.
