Listen to us, and listen to us well, people of the internet. Pickles have got to go. Ah, ah, ah! We don’t want to hear it. We have hard facts that prove pickles are the most disgusting thing on the face of this planet and there’s no way you can dispute them. By the end of this list, you too will see just how problematic, preposterous, and pathetic pickles really are. Strap in, and don’t @ us.
First of all, even before we dive into the list of all the things pickles have going wrong for them, we’d like to give you a little backstory on the briny catastrophe.
According to PBS.org, pickles have been around since about 2030 B.C., when cucumbers in India’s Tigris Valley were pickled by the native peoples. From there, the tradition of pickling progressed because it was a great way to preserve food for long periods as well as an easy way to transport food on long journeys.
However, that was then.
This is now. There’s no reason for us to continue to eat these jarred monsters. Before you click away and declare us an enemy, we implore you to stay and hear our side of the story.
1. They’re frickin’ ugly.
Yeah, we’re judging them based on appearance first and foremost — we know how this looks. But hear us out.
Pickles look like toads, and we will never want to eat a toad. So…
2. Pickles swim in their own juices.
Do we have to say more on this? That’s gross.
3. And that juice is called brine.
Brine rhymes with whine, swine, and turpentine — all of which have bad connotations.
And to think that some people take pickle brine shots? We quake at the thought.
4. There are such thing as “sweet” pickles.
There’s nothing sweet about them. In fact, they insulted us.
We can’t say how or why, but trust us. They did.
5. There are also “bread and butter” pickles.
Again, this is a lie. They are not bread and butter. They are pickles. Do not trust them.
6. And there are “dill” and “half sours.”
They’re just masquerading under different monikers. And they’re all disgusting.
Also, don’t trust Adam Sandler.
7. There are also small pickles called “cornichons.”
Yeah, they’re cute and look great on cheese plates. What of it?
8. Did we already say they look like toads?
Toad or pickle? We see no difference.
9. Don’t even get us started on the jars.
You ever try to open one of those things? It’s impossible. It can’t be done.
10. Hey — just because we’ve tried to open a pickle jar, doesn’t mean we were trying to get a pickle.
We were simply doing a friend a favor. That’s it.
11. Have we ever tried a pickle? Yes, of course.
How do you think we came to despise the fleshy, green, briny vegetables?
Can we even call them vegetables?
12. They’re just cucumbers soaked in vinegar.
We don’t understand why you are all so obsessed with vinegary cucumbers. Weirdos.
13. So what if they’re super salty and supremely crunchy?
So are chips, and like, raw carrots if you salted them.
Salted carrots are a thing. Stop!
14. And who cares if they go great on hamburgers and sandwiches?
You know what else goes great on a burger?
Other stuff. You don’t need pickles.
15. You can’t make us fall in love with that perfect garlic to vinegar ratio.
Stop making us think about that very good garlicky vinegar flavor. Stop it!
16. Don’t look at us like that. We’re not caving.
We don’t like pickles. We don’t like pickles!
17. Yes, pickles on the side would be great. Wait —
Hold on, how’d that pickle get there.
We’re not mad, we’re just — no, don’t take it back…
18. Okay, FINE! PICKLES ARE SACRED AND THEY ARE DELICIOUS.
We hope you’re happy.
